"Never Settle"? ~ The Corollary to St. Paul’s Argument on Marriage

St. Paul in His Own Words

“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 (emphasis added).

“If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well.” 1 Corinthians 7:36-37

The Text and Context Analyzed

Some Context

Now, obviously St. Paul’s advice comes within a broader context of his advice for his Christian readers within the 1st Century, particularly “in view of the present distress,”1 as well as his general advice that “each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.”2 And obviously St. Paul is not directly addressing, and had certainly never heard the debate over whether one should ever “settle” or not in terms of marriage and dating.

St. Paul’s Advice vs. Modern Society’s Advice

Nevertheless, it’s interesting to contrast St. Paul’s advice with that of our current society. Most people today say that you should wait until you have self-control before you get married - when you’re overcome by your passions, you’re too immature for marriage and liable to make a mistake, so the argument goes.

St. Paul says precisely the opposite - he literally says if you can’t control yourself, no worries just go ahead and marry - “if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry,” and again, if “he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin.”

• Does he spend a lot of time enumerating to us what physical boundaries he recommends in order to stay chaste and prevent near occasions of sin? No, he pretty much just assumes you know what “behaving properly” is and what it isn’t.

• Does he say you should delay marriage or break up if you’re behaving improperly? No - St. Paul actually identifies “behaving improperly” as an indication you should get married… so that you can have sex, because there is no sex outside of marriage.3

• Does he recommend a 6-month class so that you can make sure you’re marrying the right person? No, he literally recommends just letting people who are passionate do what they want (to get married, presumably as soon as possible), portrays it as inevitable, and almost seems as if he’s correcting people who want to prevent and have some power to hinder this from happening (“let him”).

By contrast, if you can control yourself, well, better stay single according to St. Paul, not enough passion there to justify marriage - “But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well.”

Some More Context

All of this, by the way, is right after where St. Paul controversially says that spouses don’t have authority over their own bodies and that they should not deprive (much less deny) each other sex (except of course sometimes to pray more. Perhaps. For a limited time. If they agree. But Satan is watching and they should resume soon.4).5

This, of course, is again the opposite of what our current society and laws say - that each spouse has an inalienable right over his or her own body, and that they absolutely can deny each other sex,6 and if anyone doesn’t like that they can go ahead and get divorced and remarried (again, the opposite of St. Paul and The Lord.7).

All of this highlight the underlying assumptions about passion in marriage for St. Paul, particularly since it’s actually passion, not self-control, that appears to be the independent variable here.8 But why is passion in marriage important? What happens when a culture forgets the (too obvious to be stated for St. Paul) importance passion in marriage?

The Importance of Passion

Because marriage is a sexual relationship, there must be passion. In fact because marriage is the sexual relationship, the more passion there is the better the marriage. Obviously. Everyone knows this, including everyone who’s reading this objecting in their mind with their “whatabouts” - yea, what about your objection? No one says that passion is the only thing. But it’s a pretty damn important thing, since marriage is (supposedly) the only morally legitimate outlet in your entire life for that sort of thing.

Again, supposedly. Is it any coincidence that the wicked society and wicked generations that have done everything they could to rebel against God’s law and experience that passion outside of God’s intended limits, reveling in birth control, committing abortions, legalizing divorce and mocking marriage in both their churches and their courts, would then turn around and invert the incentives, downplaying the importance of passion in marriage and making marriage itself the death of eroticism?

I don’t think so. That actually makes complete sense that they would do that. And yet we wonder why marriage is going extinct and our people are facing demographic winter - because God’s judgment is upon us, and those who do not repent of their sins will burn in Hell forever.

Marriage is supposed to model the reciprocal love of Christ and the Church, and the ecstasy of the marital embrace is supposed to be a type of, and point towards, Heaven.9 There’s supposed to be passion! God doesn’t settle for us - literally the entire Bible is the story of Him passionately pursuing us, out of love for us. And He never settles for anything less than perfect union with us, burning passionately against anything that separates us from Him, which is what Hell is.

Children deserve loving parents, to literally be created and born in a loving embrace.10 You are literally co-creating another soul with God - you should do it how He created us, out of passionate love, not because you settled.

Hope and Trust in God vs. Despair and The Desire to Control

So should you get married or should you not, and how do you know if you’re “settling” besides simply measuring the passion you feel?

All our actions should be done in Hope and trust in God, rather than in Despair and out of a desire to control, whether you’re pursuing as a man or being open as a woman. You should ask yourself whether you’re acting out of fear of not finding anyone/the right person. There’s a difference between self-control, which is good, and attempting to control our destiny rather than trusting in God’s plan.

A wise man once said, “Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage.”11 We should train ourselves in self-control so that we grow in self-respect. Then we will have the courage to trust in God, content in our current state in life, as St. Paul advises, rather than attempting to control what is in God’s hands. Then we will be ready for the person He has in store for us, the person who will make us burn with passion, whoever that might be, if anyone - for this world is passing away and we know neither the day nor the hour.12

The Corollary to St. Paul’s Argument on Marriage

Remember in all of this, none of this is meant to be a “restraint” or burden, as St. Paul says.13 Common sense still applies - Stay idealistic. Stay in reality. Never blackpill. Don’t fantasize.

However, in answer to the question “Never Settle?” we do have what we could call The Corollary to St. Paul’s Argument on Marriage - If “it is better to marry than to burn with passion,” then Perhaps it is better not to marry unless you burn with passion.